Immortality from within the heart

In honor and loving memory of someone very important in my life, i'm going to leave a quote taken from my cousin's wall post that i wrote to her

Quote:


my sister is right, there is no place like home... dun think that because i am home far away from home, i do not miss home. in actual fact, i always miss home and i always miss all of u... every time spent wif all of u are never enuff. i miss my dad, my mom, my sis and all of u and especially i do miss BURGER... i will honestly tell u that i had cried hearing that burger was given away that time... but grown men hide it within themselves and never show it only... no matter how strong one may be, he will always be vulnerable inside. i think u are into quite a lot of peer pressure and thus u think that leaving home is a good alternative... yeah, agreeable that u've travelled quite a fair bit.. more than ur sister and father and brother ever did... but do remember that, the outside world is never what you seem... take now for instance, ICELAND had a volcanic eruption and the ashes had been blown eastwards causing all airports or flights in UK and Europe to be closed down... hundreds and thousands of ppl are stranded in the airport... luckily, i am experienced with such catastrophe and i have colleagues together with me. else? if it was u? who do u turn to? what would u do? how will u survive with not enuff money in hand? we're all working adults and thus we have our trusty credit cards and standby savings... even that, we are sleeping at the airport cos all the rented cars and hotels are full including train stations are on strike... how do u intend to survive alone there when ur coach and caretaker or guardian isn't there? my sister raised the best example... honestly, up till today, even though Ah KONG passed away already for 20 yrs... I still miss him a lot and love him very very much... u know why i say that? ask jiejie... he loves me the most... because i am his eldest grandson... it is a pity he is not around when all of u were born. he would have cared for all of u and really pamper all of u alot just like he used to buy me lots of toys, gave me pocket money, cared for me, teach me a lot of stuff and helped with homework. in the whole family, not even ur dad or anyone else missed him and loved him the most... because i spent the most time wif grandpa and as we speak, tears still roll down my eyes... i loved him and held back my tears even at the very day of his funeral awaiting for the quiet moment when no one else sees me to pour it all out... and that is why, every single time u all see me reach ah ma house, the first thing i would do is talk to grandpa and pay my deepest respects to him. he will and forever be the most important person in my entire life. well, i'm back to KL safe and sound now... so it's a blessing probably from Ah KONG looking down at me from heaven. as to defend on the controversy of why i discouraged u to leave home instead that i am doing so... the only thing i can say is, i have my reasons and its for the best of everyone including myself... there are things that i cannot do back home and there are burdens that i have to take away from my family as well as problems that shouldn't be dragged into them. lastly, whichever the case, your parents scolded u for the good of u... when u grow up next time, u'll know why... one person can say u r wrong... u can doubt his/her judgement, two ppl can say u r wrong, u can also think they are bias against u... when almost everyone thinks u r wrong, then u can't be that perfect to be right and the whole world is wrong... have a thought about why everyone's point of view is saying you're wrong and analyze it with yours... perhaps u'll be able to see and know where the common misunderstanding came from... or let them see ur point of view to understand u instead. our parents are conservative, thus they may know see it ur way... but dun blame them.. they just need to see the same direction that u r looking from and all will unfold itself. regardless of wat the outcome may be, i love u not any less... and will always be there to listen and talk to u... love always...

Crossroads - which direction to take?

I just had a scolding from Jane W after she found out that my decision to leave everything behind suddenly was by influence. I don't blame her. I perfectly accept what J is facing at the moment. It really is hard to accept the fact that some people are born special, living a special life and cursed to go through the speciality  alone. Rock group Saliva sung a song called 'I Walk Alone'. It meant the same to me. It looked like the spotlight has been on me while others are in the dark, but in actual fact, I live among the league of shadows and only tends to exist when no one else is there to notice it.

It's definitely hard to accept that some people have to do the dirty job and be the minority. But as Confucius said it, someone's got to do it. Every country needs a king, and every human needs to play their role. Everyone has to die eventually, and the cause of it... please don't ask God, "why me" or "why cancer?" and stupid questions like that. Everyone is chosen to go through their way of life the way it is written and destined to be. Mine is written as the way it is definitely hard to accept.

I cannot explain why I'm entrusted with such power, ability, knowledge, heart and experience. I'm sorry that I went through my early life with BIGGER pictures and tougher times whereas others get to enjoy life in the small pond while I'm in the ocean. When she refused to accept the fact and truth about things, it had already struck me to know that THIS is where the two worlds lie, the gap which puts us both apart.

I don't belong in that world. Neither could I try to fit in and be one. I kept thrown back into the top. An angel will forever be bound to heaven and may only look down on her world, the mortals are in.

At that very time, when I was asked, "why you", "why not anyone else"; I knew the answer straight away that if it wasn't me, probably it would have been better for both of us.

So it led to me thinking, and deciding that for now, if I had done what she'd really want, it would have been better. That is, for me to be as far away from civilization as possible. I guess the best thing to do is to put down everything, leave all the accomplishments, anything related or linked to this life and go. Even if these four walls will crumble and fall, I've to be that selfish and do what's best for us both. I accept the fate: 'I don't belong here'. I'm willing to exchange everything for the sanctuary that you so speak and look for. It's the only way to make you happy once again; via my exile.

With that, for my closing, I quote JS in the pretext of:

"Can I let the wind blow, leave the past behind. The memories will do just fine, it'll saturate in time. I'm gonna make it on my own, Cos in your eyes I find, the tears that loved me all this time... you loved me all this time..."