Chapter 23: How to Become a Better Lover

Have you ever been fully desired, loved and admired by another? Feels great, doesn't it. These are simple skills that are easy to learn and can be used immediately, whether you are intending to achieve sexual intimacy or simply offer gracious social admiration in any setting; here's how:


Steps:

1. Focus on your partner. The person to whom you intend to show affection must become your single point of attention. You will be a great lover if they feel they are the only person in the world when they are with you. That is the impression you are trying to make when you begin with focus.
2. Have some optimism. You must be upbeat when expressing your sentiments to them, whether about them personally, the situation or the condition of the world at large--be an uplifting presence that helps them see the better things around them, especially about themselves
3. Make sure to listen, see and feel how the other person is responding to your attention at every step--the object here is to find the correct tempo that the other person is capable of hearing, seeing and fully feeling your expressions of affection. This is about them, not about you having a stage and acting out--you are always seeking to understand their experience of you so you can again make it even better.
4. Show your enthusiasm. You must express optimistic sentiments with a passion that is infectious to them. Bring them a wave of positive emotions to carry them towards pleasures in themselves and the world around them and they will be yours forever.
5. Develop your humor. After having enjoyed passions of the moment and retired from your warm, mutual cocoon of focus it is very important to not offer judgment about such experience with any great seriousness--be light, be self-deprecating and be natural in your sense of humor about yourself, the other and life in general. This is the perfect tonic for Life as well.
6. Notice the small things. If you really love the one you're with, and you watch them closely enough, you'll come to realize that they have certain habits and ticks that you will come to adore. Most people only see these things after a long time in their relationships, but if you get a head start now, you will start acting more loving with your partner and feeling closer to him or her.

Tips:

• "Smile first, then ask..."*
• If you are not getting receptive progress then reflect upon your own intent and pacing of interaction with the other--are you rushing your attentions, not being intense enough in the moment or simply too casual to make an impression?
• If you can become a master of self-awareness, you can become a master of other-awareness...and vice versa: it's easy and fun to do.
• If you truly enjoy helping other people feel good about themselves you can become the greatest lover...and all others, in turn, will truly love you.

Warnings:

• If you try using these techniques to manipulate and harm other people you will experience greater suffering and self-loathing than you already do; but of course, this greater suffering could be what works best to shock you out of the petty existence you're imagining at the moment you try to manipulate and harm others.

Things You'll Need:

• a positive intent
• deliberate, methodical and focused effort
• an object of your affection (any mammalian species will do for practice)