I am actually not allowed to talk about this and apparently not even allowed to put it in my private journal or blog because it's as good as announcing it to the whole world. I don't even have control over what my freedom of speech is anymore, but I will respect it.
What I'll do instead is to answer the questions everyone has posted or asked instead...
QT: Yes, the day not only did not turn out as I hoped it won't be, it actually got worse. I stupidly should have avoided the confrontation but I blew everything else because the time bomb exploded.
J2: Somehow, I don't know why you are always right and what we talked about before... its as what you said and predicted... some storms are not avoidable.
J1: I know what you're gonna say next, though you've not had the chance to ask me yet, but yeah... no matter what, you're still there for us all. All things cannot go beyond the limit of what they can do. Everyone will always think we're wrong. But none had seen it in our eyes or place themselves in our shoes while we did the vice versa.
Em: Id like to rewrite the whole chapter again, but I wish I could cos no matter how it is rewritten, it will never be the right one in the eyes of the beholder.
Fakrul: Yes, you noticed very well. Today is the only day I practice complete silence unless I really need to speak. It's an exception in respect of "someone" special. In fact, you are right again, I've been awfully quiet lately but to 1 or 2, they still think I am not because the girls never see things our way. Even if I answered a word or a line in a whole hour's presence.
Siti (Mohamad): I've actually had a lot of thought into it, but I've not answered the central committee yet. But currently, I think everyone will be very upset to hear this. After the project ends, I'm thinking of not continuing anymore. Though I'm entrusted with a lot of power and authority and everything works better with me steering it, as quoted in Big Ben's speech, I think I have to be selfish. The private sector and corporate world is more suitable for me. I know I work best in your realm but not all things are meant to be maximized or optimized. So, it's no big surprise if I say good bye to all of you.
Razak: Thank you very much from learning so much from me. I hope you will be a fine successor instead. I know it's tough to say this but there's no point of persuading me when I think it is less painful for me to leave everyone and everything. About your last question (yes, I select what I wish to answer... mind you)... I may but also very likely I may not stay back. Moving on to where? Hmmm... I kind of decided but may not want to disclose it yet.
Jingle Bells: Yes, auntie... I've already heard you said that I'm very patient and caring a lot of times. Wait, what was your question again? Oh yeah... I'm still writing for you, am I not?
Wai Onn: Don't be ridiculous, I won't answer your first question. Your 2nd Q is obvious to answer, so... I'll say NO. Because as what Rex said, I'm already too understanding. If they want to misunderstand me, it's better not to clarify further. Today, I learnt that sometimes, clarification makes things worse. If you don't know something, don't dig further because people assume what they want to assume. By correcting their thoughts, the right answer will become the wrong answer. The right thing to do will become the wrong thing to do. In other words, let there be mistakes or else this world would had become perfect. And as Em said it to me just now. Stop living in a perfect world with a perfect life.
Nina: No, none of the past few weeks, today or tonight has anything to do with her. Coincidentally, I also tried to say this to her and my Mom... sigh~ guess nobody can understand that all I ever wanted was to go through that moment of agonizing transformation without anything/issue. It's like an eclipse... the suspense before it and once it's there... everyone is grasping for the moment. As it passes, everything is back to normal. Similarly, when its approaching that time, it's very painful and haunting to me. On the day itself, it kills me for every min that I still breathe and as it passes, I could gasp for air once again.
The rest of you, I'm too tired and lazy to reply your stuff. So I'll tell you some other time. Including Joanne's very curious-to-know-the-answer question.
Last but not least, everything will be very different after today as the last tear drop had already changed many things. Honestly, I regretted many things. And the outcome of tonight is one that I wished that never happened. I not only failed to make it better, but I actually failed because... I was simply wrong.
Now I have no place else to say I'm sorry and I've very deeply regretted but here. This is the first time in a phase of my life that I'm actually mistaken for someone whom I'm not and I'm living that life of the mistaken person. But it is good to experience the wrong person's life so that I know it from now on.
Since I couldn't say it else where, then I'll just write it here... I actually do love you more than you know it. Until the last tear drop has been frozen afloat and now, marks another new month and new chapter of my life. I lost someone very important tonight, I may never regain it back again (though I wish that I could very very much)... but most importantly, I never regretted that it came into my life... ever. She was worth, my last tear drop.
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