I just had a scolding from Jane W after she found out that my decision to leave everything behind suddenly was by influence. I don't blame her. I perfectly accept what J is facing at the moment. It really is hard to accept the fact that some people are born special, living a special life and cursed to go through the speciality alone. Rock group Saliva sung a song called 'I Walk Alone'. It meant the same to me. It looked like the spotlight has been on me while others are in the dark, but in actual fact, I live among the league of shadows and only tends to exist when no one else is there to notice it.
It's definitely hard to accept that some people have to do the dirty job and be the minority. But as Confucius said it, someone's got to do it. Every country needs a king, and every human needs to play their role. Everyone has to die eventually, and the cause of it... please don't ask God, "why me" or "why cancer?" and stupid questions like that. Everyone is chosen to go through their way of life the way it is written and destined to be. Mine is written as the way it is definitely hard to accept.
I cannot explain why I'm entrusted with such power, ability, knowledge, heart and experience. I'm sorry that I went through my early life with BIGGER pictures and tougher times whereas others get to enjoy life in the small pond while I'm in the ocean. When she refused to accept the fact and truth about things, it had already struck me to know that THIS is where the two worlds lie, the gap which puts us both apart.
I don't belong in that world. Neither could I try to fit in and be one. I kept thrown back into the top. An angel will forever be bound to heaven and may only look down on her world, the mortals are in.
At that very time, when I was asked, "why you", "why not anyone else"; I knew the answer straight away that if it wasn't me, probably it would have been better for both of us.
So it led to me thinking, and deciding that for now, if I had done what she'd really want, it would have been better. That is, for me to be as far away from civilization as possible. I guess the best thing to do is to put down everything, leave all the accomplishments, anything related or linked to this life and go. Even if these four walls will crumble and fall, I've to be that selfish and do what's best for us both. I accept the fate: 'I don't belong here'. I'm willing to exchange everything for the sanctuary that you so speak and look for. It's the only way to make you happy once again; via my exile.
With that, for my closing, I quote JS in the pretext of:
"Can I let the wind blow, leave the past behind. The memories will do just fine, it'll saturate in time. I'm gonna make it on my own, Cos in your eyes I find, the tears that loved me all this time... you loved me all this time..."
