Thank you, my Guardian... you've done your best (Lyrics to 'The Prayer')

Thank you for standing by me, Queenie. Going through a lot of things for a very long part of my years. Especially this year. Struggling from one problem to another. You've never stopped for one moment to ask me and give up but had always backed me up from all angles and aspects. From the time I received your 'special gift', it had already tried very hard to protect me and be that 'Guardian' it's suppose to be.

But in actual fact, you were the guardian in real life. I looked at it many times tonight and it helped mend the broken heart that could no longer be concealed or repaired... but luckily it reminded me of your existence. From the time you came into my life, walked into my small, pathetic crowded bedroom full of junk and stuff (trying to do your assignment from uni) till the very day that we still enjoy our lunch and your smiles. The Guardian has shown me that it has reached its limits. For example, when was the last encounter with J? Our fate has ended the moment I stupidly changed the course of my life. I honestly have only had thrice the moment this year. Whereas VS has had more times than I ever smiled this year.

Busy schedules, wrong timing, tired, mood... all that are just instruments of excuses to put the fairy tale to it's lame chapter which could not be closed until the last page had to be torn before the water ripple could finish. All your holidays are nicely constructed to everyone except me.

Some people think they know my pain or had gone through worse moments... but little did they know that I've already lost and skipped so many heart beats only to be resurrected back from hell so many fortunate times.

For one second, if any where to think the flame had died, I would reassured you that it never did and never had and never will. Similar to the one I had 10 years ago, 8 months ago... or any recent. Remove the cosmetics that hid the sorrow and you will find the corpse that had walked this planet long with joker's face. Though one had tried to enter my life to replace You, but nothing can overwrite J in my life.   But now its not as it seems, because the one now is not going to make things right thus we will always be adrift in two different worlds, across two different rivers like white water rafts that rush to the end of the waterfall.

Alas, I have to put every single photographic memory into the trunk and set it back into the attic where the dust and cob webs will take its place in time to top the many things that stack this journal which carries all but none, a happy moment.

It is now my time to pass on the magic of the Guardian to others who needs it more since it has given up on me. I leave it all in a prayer and blessing for all. You've done your best for me. I accept another defeat whereby not all fairy tales end in happy endings, thus we're just not destined to be fated.


"The Prayer"

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai

I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza

Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera 

Letting go... the last few steps before the actual moment

Prior to the start of this chapter, I'd like to take a moment of today and put everything into silence as I remember and dedicate today in loving memory of (Her) passing 10 years ago.

A week ago, I tried to tell/say this. I could not because I did not have the chance. Last night and today, I tried to do it again, I could not because I could never have the chance/the moment or even the opportunity. I guess we've evaded this topic or reality too much. So, I've to come to a conclusion. I did have some proper opinions from good friends who are very kind and nice enough to care and share the right sensible views.

Seeing that the issue will only drag longer and further as per what you've been trying to do, I will fulfill your wish of never ever letting it surface anymore. Come to think of it, ever since the topic surfaced, we've never had a moment together (as in only the two of us) ever again... the time we had is less than everyone else having your time. So, it's so obvious that I'm no longer a valuable commodity.

Our time is not much anymore and we're not getting any younger. But if you would not want to face reality and look into the issue, then how can 1 hand clap alone? Don't think for a minute that I'm any happier each day having to see everyone else cuddling each other, being loved, cared for, cherished and most importantly able to do what an actual couple does (i.e. holding hands, hugging their partners, peck on the cheek etc). No, I've hungered and waited for it for so long... but senses told me its not going to happen. Just like I remembered very clearly about how I have to face the fact and truth that some fairy tales have to end with destinies that aren't fated to be... and thus, no happy endings...

In my heart, I actually wanted to know better that will we be moving forward or will we be moving backwards rather than we're putting everything on KIV mode indefinitely. But since you have always shut me up and never gave me a chance to talk or either raise the subject, then perhaps you should stop evading the issue and just let me know it now.

To cut the story short, if you want to know, yes, it hurts, very much every single day for me. To go through the agony of living each and every single day while I move on from the painful past and everything else. I'm one step away from totally passing the tragedy pain of 10yrs ago.. and I've to face another one last one.

All I want to know now, will I clap alone... or will I get to clap with you...