I had to bleed, I had to let my tears roll down unstoppably. I tried to hold back. I screamed into the pillow and garnish a huge truss of air being pushed towards the pillow when i released my energy towards the mattress.
I hope she is doing better than me. I know she will have her friends and family to help her go by. I can't, I really can't. Part of me wants to see her so badly (even from a distance) but the other part has to tell it not to do so. I can't let her see me so weak and let her be so concerned and worries about my well-being.
Staying home with the four walls are driving me crazy with all the thoughts haunting me and coming into my head. I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop it from entering my head.
"I hear voices inside my head, they council me, they understand... they talk to me..."
There's also the voices of hers and mine and everyone else. Images of her and everyone around us... TOO MUCH... I can't take it... it's breaking me into pieces.
I've been tossing and turning around for nights and every pillow, every bolster, every angle reminds me of her and her soft warm touch. Her smell, her scent, her passion.
I want to remember this for the rest of my life... the uniqueness of this person and how special she was...
From my email to you:
"nonetheless, never in my entire life, has someone ever came into my life and brighten up so much for me. every single day we had was always laughters and happiness. you had never hurt a single day or my life till monday but it wasn't intentional and i know if i were u, it would happened the same thus i will not blame u for it.
in fact, i really do hope that u can continue to keep me under control. the entire family and all have always been too happy to see finally someone who could keep me under wraps and behave. with you, i've become even more disciplined than before. with you, i've become even much more elderly than i could be. with you... i could unlock and release some of my hidden potentials which i could not do or use in normal times. only with you, can i only go further... you're the one who could tame me...
when i put u as 1st priority into my life, i trusted u totally and release very single thing within me. no secrets, no lies and nothing hidden from you. i tot u were the one. i poured out everything of my life which NO other outside HUMAN other than family has ever experienced or known. i do hope now that you respect and keep it within u because i have broken my discipline, tradition and promises to myself that no outsider should ever had. it was suppose to be meant for the ONLY one i ever loved.
i have very big regrets that our issues have caused us not to proceed further and God should have taken it away in the first place because losing such a good lady like you was the biggest loss i've ever had. no money or other valuable could ever substitute this loss. not even the world economy could. and i'm saying these not as a sweet talk but sincere because u would know that if taking away years of my life is an option, i would have agreed to the devil just for the sweet taste of your love again till my heart stops.
i have to acknowledge that despite whatever had happened and is happening now, no other lady can replace u with your uniqueness. you can care for someone just as u think i could. you really do care for me a lot. more than anyone ever did. and when you do love or care for me, i can sincerely say, you did it like my parent's entire years combined. u just didn't realize it and thought u couldn't. just like some things i cannot sense or see within myself which u could see.
you have very great skills that i always admire and proud of. it's a pity there's no chance now to overcome one of the biggest challenges that i still haven't gone thru and it's floating. else there would be more water sports that we could have tried. this is one of the things i really admire so much. your swimming ability and coaching. you're far too great with it. look, u finally have an acolyte that u surpass me. then there's also your special heart to cook for me. do u know why i would just stand there looking at u do your thing in the kitchen or savor the food slowly when we're on the dining table? because i'm so proud and appreciative of it. you don't have to be a master chef to please anyone including me, but the fact that when you beautifully smile and shower me with lots of love, everything i tasted is just one word... "sweet" <--- in the sense that, your effort, sweat and even your heart was inside it. that's why i always long for cooking at home together. like i told you how i dream of you preparing and i could cook it and you can clear the things and i could wash it. stuff like that. because doing something with you, makes me whole because of togetherness.
things have changed and i'm trying to get used to not having the smooth snowy skin around me anymore. my bolster is never the same as you. not sleeping right gave me my backaches again. and how i long for your gentle touch. again, i usually ask for it not because i needed it badly, but once in awhile, because when u do it, i could feel the love flowing inside me. it's like ecstasy. the warmth of your love that went from your fingers to my shoulders or head is like a vibe connected. because every single thing you do has a smile and u do it not because of doing it. but u do it becos of love. and that love is felt with every single second and touch. when you slowly do it, it shows it's not someone who we pay a masseur to do and they just want to get it over and done with. NO... it's done with heart and love. something that this earth cannot provide via elements. it's the last element that captain planet needs to be summoned. (if u recalled).
you said you think i found negative points in you, well, in my entire period, either i am blinded by love or u r just really plain flawless. i don't see any at all. becos i found what i was looking for, the taste of true love from someone who uses a true heart towards me. not materialistic, not biased, not thru tinted eyes and most importantly, one that doesn't look at the negative of the partner and only captures the positive. thus u were ideally what i would ever ask god for.
we captured so much memories together and great times that 1.5 mths is like 1.5 yrs to me. well, so sorry i tried to squeeze 29 yrs of my life in 29 days just to make up for the time lost that u don't know about. guess i was too wrong to try and be fair for u to know so much in so little time.
for the family, i dun think they could take the news yet, especially my mother would really be very hurt, so i think i will find a way to break the horrible news to them that their son was damn stupid to have made too many mistakes and lose such a good person. one that every other guy has been searching and fighting for. and super thanks for your family for the great hospitality and interesting times. i would never be able to experience the warmth of such a family ever again as long as i live... here...
one thing for sure, at least i am happy u thought it thru and not irrationally did what u had to do. u had the heart to give me another week after we returned to taste what i longed for. that 1 week is like a bonus to me. u even looked very normal over the weekend for our activity. u still showered me with love, told everyone how happily in love u were when we were asked. u let me have some pride and dignity to step down from the "stage"... i really thank u for that. i now only wonder if i could pretend that airplanes in the sky at night to be shooting stars. cos i could really use a wish right now and wish for one more taste of ur love for a last time. one that i can be prepared for and not surprisingly taken away from me unexpectedly. when u left me like that, is like removing the bouy/float away from me suddenly and i just sank rock bottom. guess it would never come true.
my deepest, warmest, sincerest love to you. take care in the future."
