The day I turned into a sinned killer

As I'm writing this, I'm still shaken by the thought of what I've just did.

I was on my way home, moments ago. About to reach and was traveling about 60kmph as my stretch of road is often a place for speed trap/road blocks. So, I obviously, I wouldn't be speeding.

There as a Toyota VIOS in front of me and I was at least 2 cars away from her. All of a sudden, the VIOS hit the emergency brake and smoke came out of the tyres. I too, had to brake. The shocking part was not the braking because I had enough good reflexes to handle it.

Out of a sudden, a white thing flew towards my car as I was in the midst of the brake and it happened so fast, I can't even recall what exactly happened or what it is. I was about 5 feet away from the VIOS and I knew in my head that we (VIOS and I) might have hit something.

We pulled aside and came down. As I approached the VIOS, a lady driver was pretty stunned (maybe cause she might have thought I was gonna come down and scold her for the emergency brake or something). I asked if she was ok and she tried to explain. Without hesitation, I ran towards the poor thing and there it was, a motionless cat with the eyes still opened. She apologized but I told her it's partly my fault too.

I moved the cat to the side of the road as she is still shaken by the impact. After examining the cat, I just concurred that there was nothing we could do for it but pray. There was no blood or any open wounds. By touching, I had to rely on my background knowledge to say it's suffered internal injuries and with the pupils dilated and motionless symptoms, It had to be dead on impact.

The lady asked if I was a vet and I told her, nope. But it's pretty obvious we could do no more with a motionless cat and eyes and mouth (kinda) wide open. She then asked if I mind to move it over there (a nearby more comfortable grass area) and so I obliged to rest the cat under a tree in a sleeping position.

I told the lady that it's the only thing we could possibly do for now and checked with her if she is still alright. She gave me a positive reply and said that she's just sadden by the incident. I told her that I'm also guilty as well because I am also involved in the taking away of the life of that incidental cat too. But there was nothing we could do. (Note to reader: You know what I meant. Act of God, kind of stuff)

We got back to our cars and just before I reached mine, she just checked with me. Yup, I still know what's my name, thank you... errr... (don't be surprised, I didn't ask her name back. I was still heart broken by the fact that I became a second degree killer and gave the animal activist another reason to hate me.)

So, we parted ways and 3mins later, I was washing my hand with antiseptic etc. Then, the urge to write this note to self and remember the cat forever in my life.

Dear Cat, I'm so sorry that I hit you out of incidental and I didn't mean it. I feel guilty and wished I could get the SPCA or something to save you but our actions have had its consequences. I will always remember this wrong doing I did and admit that I had sinned regardless that I'm the 2nd degree killer or not. I can only pray for your soul to rest in peace. With Love.

Stop Racism

A reminder to take a step an contribute towards stopping racism.

Came across something today and it reminded me to promote stopping racism. So, I'm gonna share this today:

This happened on TAM airlines.

A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.

Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.

"What's the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her

"Can't you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat"

- "Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."

The hostess left and returned some minutes later.

"Madam, as I told you, there isn't any empty seat in this class- economy class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."

And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued

"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."

And turning to the black man, the hostess said:

"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."

And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet."

SHARE IF YOU ARE AGAINST RACISM!

True Love - something very little people understood when I explained it

I was put into the test of True Love numerous times that it had more counts than the number of days in a year probably. Well, not exactly that much but challenges were made and it is hard for one to prove their trustworthiness & honesty; let alone faith, compatibility & much more such as winning the heart to be the Right one.

Often, I had to be tested over and over time after time if it was True Love. Perhaps I've gone thru that and understood what it was while many did not. Today, I saw Fiona & Zoey had read an article which they have a greater picture of what it means when we say "When a man loves a woman". This is what I'm going to share when I actually meant getting through thick and thin with the ones we love.

I don't only mean it. I live, eat & breathe this Principle of Life. That's why I never left the ones whom I love but they leave when the time is considered right.

When a man loves a woman

Doris and Raymond Fernando celebrate their 37-year marriage anniversary. (Photo courtesy of Deborah Choo)

After their first three dates, his girlfriend told him an astonishing piece of news that changed his life forever.

It was a "dark secret", 61-year old Raymond Anthony Fernando remembered of what his then-girlfriend Doris Lau Siew Lang told him almost three decades back.

I am schizophrenic, she had told him.

If that was not surprising enough, she also told him that she was a patient at the Institute of Mental Health, otherwise known as Woodbridge Hospital in the 60s.

Yet, the secret she guarded so carefully — one that scared away all her previous boyfriends upon hearing — finally stood the test of one man's faith and love for her.

Raymond, a Singaporean whose heritage is part Eurasian and part Sri Lankan, listened as Doris poured her heart out about her past and her condition.

Schizophrenia is a group of psychotic disorders characterised by disturbances in thought, perception, affectation, behaviour and communication lasting longer than six months.

At the onset, because there was little public awareness on schizophrenia, Doris' symptoms of headaches, insomnia, a loss of appetite and even being delusional sometimes worried her family.

They believed she was charmed, and brought her to a medium instead. The delay worsened her condition. It had escalated to a point when she harboured suicidal thoughts. Back then in the 60s, a relative who worked in the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) heard of her unexplainable illness and recommended Doris be warded. Her condition finally stabilised.

Instead of breaking up with her after hearing what she said, the freelance television actor and motivational speaker asked her, "Will you marry me?"

"I was deeply moved by her sincerity and her caring nature. I had dated many girls, but Doris was very down to earth… Doris is a very timid person and I decided I wanted to give her a better life, so I asked for her hand in marriage," Raymond told this writer.

The couple tied the knot in 1974.

This year, the couple celebrate their 37-year anniversary.

Doris is still battling with schizophrenia and as of five years ago, arthritis as well. As for Raymond, he too has diabetes, high cholesterol and cataract.

Challenges of caring

Medical costs aside, Raymond revealed that the road is tough to say the least. He used to struggle between juggling work and caring for his wife.

In 1995, under tremendous amount of stress, he attempted suicide.

In retrospect, he said, "I deeply regret taking that route — imagine what would happen to Doris if I had not survived."

"It's still very tough," Raymond admitted. "But I have to stay and remain strong for Doris. She needs me badly."

The couple had unfortunately lost their only two children — one through a miscarriage and the other through an abortion. In the latter case, the couple made that decision as Doris would have to get off the drugs that would affect the foetus.

The devout Catholic relies on his faith to get by. He left his 31-year job as a public relations officer in October and is now working from home as a writer to earn income to pay their bills.

Caring for his wife turned him into an advocate for the mentally ill.

"It's been extremely tough for her as Doris' sole caregiver, especially when the support structure for caregivers of the mentally ill is clearly lacking — something which I have been fighting for, for decades."

But Raymond never regretted taking her as his wife.

"No, I will not ever walk away from taking care of Doris because of one simple reason — I love her deeply," he said

Raymond handles all the household chores and finances while maintaining his writing jobs and caring for his wife. The last job entails taking her to numerous medical appointments at Tan Tock Seng Hospital, IMH and polyclinics monthly, and ensuring she religiously takes her medication — 52 tablets a daily. He visits the same hospital for his eye treatment.

Although her schizophrenia is now stabilised, Raymond reveals that it may relapse anytime. "The symptoms of her arthritis condition caused her to be in tremendous physical pain in all her joints that left her mobility severely impaired. In severe pain, it can trigger a relapse of her mental illness," he said.

Doris had suffered a relapse before so he and the doctors are carefully monitoring her condition.

Symptoms

Raymond reveals how the symptoms first develop. He usually first notices physical tell-tale signs such as the white of her eyes turning slightly blue, and much dandruff appearing on her scalp.

At the beginning, Doris would become uncannily quiet and fearful. "The slightest noise will affect her," Raymond said. Over time, she tends to become increasingly anxious and begins hallucinating. While she is not violent, her husband said, Doris cries when she hears buzzing in her ears and voices telling her to do "strange" things.

"There were occasions when I had to sleep with the house keys under my pillow as she would wake up in the middle of the night and attempt to go downstairs to the void deck. She believed that her mother was waiting for her downstairs. But her mother had already passed away," Raymond said sadly.

Traumatic experiences such as the loss of their children and the loss of her mother haunt her as well.

The breaking point is when Doris begins talking about suicide. That is when Raymond is left with no choice but to admit her into hospital.

"On most occasions, she would have to undergo ECT ( electro convulsive therapy). This is where mild current is applied to the brain every four seconds to stabilise her.  Most of the time, she requires at least six shots of ECT.  It is an extremely painful period for me," he said.

She may require another knee operation should her medications fail, he adds.

Despite all these, while he acknowledges that it is an uphill task to care for her as her arthritis condition worsens, he is prepared to fight this battle for he and his beloved wife.

"If there's one thing you can say to your wife now, what would you say?" this reporter asked.

"If schizophrenia is part of your life, then it must certainly be part of my life. I don't necessarily like what the illness does to you, but it is you who I love. And that will always be the guiding, motivating force of my life, Doris."

Deborah Choo used to write for an array of websites such as Youth.SG and The Online Citizen. She now blogs in her free time.